melody anne died inside of me last october

i wrote her and my nana both letters tonight to say hello and make amends

then i thought of a song i wrote last year inspired by a dream i had of the wise old man. it was the only one i can remember my wise old man ever appearing in. i was in some sort of a classroom and he sang me a song

i wish my confidence would turn to little bittiets, little bittiets, little bittiets

-wise old man

bittiets? like, bits? i wish my confidence would turn to little bittiets? what the *falls back asleep*

but it rang on in my head through the day and through the days following until finally i wrote a poem and recorded a song impromptu from the words i had written. i’m revisiting it now, on this november 7th 2020 (biden just got elected hell yeah), to see what i find

the melody, it sticks
it plays back now and then
from where i stand on down the timeline
each unfolding when
hear the lyrics later with the meanings that transform
understanding more each time the song plays back again

i didn’t know how soon my whole life would be turned upside down. now it’s over a year later and i haven’t played or written in quite a while. but i don’t want melody’s spirit to die. so really, this is just a post to remind myself not to let it. and a celebration of the old man, who initiated my dissolution. this is what came from it:

[bandcamp width=100% height=42 album=741903991 size=small bgcol=ffffff linkcol=0687f5 track=923247565]

lyrics:

i wish my confidence would turn to little bittiets
little bittiets
little bittiets
all the voices that i hear inside are idiots
they’re idiots

using words to say the things that cannot be reduced
i tell myself ignore them but it seems to be no use
tell yourself don’t do something and like clockwork you’ll see
yourself embody just the thing you didn’t want to be

and to hear within a dream something as riddled as this theme
renounce all of the self assurance gathered up from the void
how could i with all this confidence not be a bit annoyed?

the melody, it sticks
it plays back now and then
from where i stand on down the timeline
each unfolding when
hear the lyrics later with the meanings that transform
understanding more each time the song plays back again

i wish, i wish, but i don’t want
i wanted all i could
but wanting doesn’t seem to ever make the one feel good
who wants and looks for what could satiate that hole inside
and i wish now
cause wanting failed the more and more i tried

now i try to want what happens for what happens is real
and wanting anything but that’s just not the proper deal
and wishing’s more a funny thing
it seems a lighter hope to cast
to speak out to the stars at night and wonder
oh, but will it last?
or fade away into a new wish to transcend the ones before
i wish on stars
i wish to wish less
i wish i didn’t wish anything anymore

soon this confidence will crumble
all the words i sing or grumble
all my judgments shared aloud
(i later feel much less than proud)
i claim i won’t regret not saying what i could’ve said
i say i’d rather say too much than wonder once it’s dead
if not i would wonder always
so i do declare
the truths i claim to know right now
tomorrow they are not mine to bear

now i question
if my default mode
is never pressing pause
if i sat still and was silent
would the world spin gladly on
with less resistance and scrutiny from this unhumble fool
who wishes to be a magician but can’t grasp a single tool
long enough to practice and embody the procedural demands
yeah, i pick up tools and get distracted
watch them fall out of my hands
i say i’ll pick them up tomorrow
think i mean the things i say
tomorrow comes, i say more things to hide the holes dug yesterday

i started storing all my gumption in the empty cup i’d hold
when i was 17 and broken bad and hated what was told
to me about the god above
the divine in the present day
when all i saw was who i knew i wasn’t but refused to pray

and with time the cup filled up
until it poured out on those i love
and i realized only once they seemed upset to be wet
i’d put it up above
their heads
the heads of people on the same stair step as me
my arm was lifted way up high
unsteady and clumsily so evidently something deep
within me deemed my peers too dry
and i realized only once i had upset them it was up that high

so let me let it spill out again
but first i’ll bring my arm back down
i held it up ineptly then suddenly i looked around
and saw the mess i made
and all the people i had nearly drowned
so let me spill the rest out now
but first i’ll bring my arm back down

to all of those who dwell to close
i took for granted all you tried to absorb of the spilling cup
i carried round and held so high

shut up
be quiet
please can’t you just be?
don’t always come through like a storm
the east coast is a bit extreme
it’s frigid cold and then it’s warm
the weather plays like tv shows we watch and can’t adjust a bit
but if i turn off one thing in life
to cause less strife
that’s it
i’ll get down on my knees before the gods of rain and snow come back
i’m putting down this cup for all i know is all i hold i lack

i know not what to wish at all
so all i wish now is to live
and not condemn the tides for how they rise and fall
and take and give

we’re all what we once most feared and also what we most revered
there is no need to prove your height
i wish i may, i wish i might
to not swim in that spilling cup
but in the ocean’s darkest depths
and then like clockwork right back up
into the shallow where there’s light
i wish i may, i wish i might

i wish i might, i wish i may
to wash up on the beach one day
i’ll thank the lord i didn’t drown then take a deep breath and look around
build myself a sand castle then knock that fucker right back down

all that you build will crumble back to stardust
maybe that’s why late at night
we look up, see ourselves
wish we may and wish we might