Process of Psychotherapy I – Paper I
This was my initial report of my very first listening dyads. Names have been removed for confidentiality.
Feedback: * this made me cry
Believe it or not Felicia your experience with D1 is probably one of the best things that could happen to you as youMove through your training. I can understand where it brings up a lot of anxiety to be “wrong,” but this is such a teachable moment for you in putting your interventions out there without being invested in being right, correct, or a level IV or five in your intent. I certainly can see how it felt when it didn’t quite land for D1, and you start feeling very awkward, anxious, and maybe, defensive of your intervention. It is so important that you can expect your reflections, your comments, your summaries, your clarifications, for them all to be really off the mark, and still be attentive and present without needing to “make up for your mistake.” The funny thing is, when you are off, it’s so much less about something that you’re saying and more about what your client isn’t saying, and you are giving them the chance to say what they really mean. I actually love it when a student has this experience and gets really freaked out by it, because it is so much more about what you take away from that, and how you respond when that happens again. As you saw, it wasn’t fatal with D1 (he didn’t run out of the room screaming), and he and you struggle with that concept, he clammed up. But he came back. And, you saw a pattern for yourself, seeking out that “good performance” rather than just enjoying and trusting the process that unfold in front of you. Your challenge is really going to be stepping back from that critical side of you that is just waiting for you to mess up, and to understand that you don’t have to have that inner dialogue to stay focused. All of your cohort members are going to know the things that you are trying to practice, know that the opportunities will be fleeting and fluid, and that you are only competing against yourself, so that you can feel comfortable doing the skills. It’s so interesting that the dyad partners you work with, whom you may then become a listener for, are all going to have their inner critics going a mile a minute (ask any of your process group members how they saw themselves on zoom, and if they liked, consistently liked, what they saw of themselves), and thinking the absolute worst of their own “good performance.” Your challenge is going to be staying out of your head, Felicia and experiencing the process as it unfolds. You have the ability to do this, we just need to get rid of that chatter that tells you you don’t…
Learning to Listen
My active listening dyads uncovered self-knowledge beyond belief. I came to realize how unexpectedly difficult certain elements of active listening were for me. My dyad partners were D1 and D2. My two sessions with D1 revealed multiple opportunities for growth and adjustment, which was initially quite discouraging for me. This differed from my two smooth-sailing sessions with D2. These inconsistent dynamics unearthed both confidence and shame. I saw how my existing relational proclivities can and do unintentionally leak into the therapeutic frame. These insights are undeniably important to hone my active listening skills going forward.
The first five of the ten active listening skills came easily to me. I successfully opened/closed sessions (Skill 1), my tone was consistently interested and caring (Skill 2), my nonverbal communication was attentive with nods and m-hm’s (Skill 3), and I became increasingly able to sit in an appropriate amount of silence to afford my talker necessary space to process (Skill 4). In listening back, I became more comfortable with silence as I went along. My typical tendency is to fill any lull in discussion, but I markedly improved in my tendency to allow space each time. In addition, I am mostly confident in my ability to mirror (Skill 5). The caveat to my mirroring skills was noticing I stopped mirroring properly in distinct moments, notably when feelings came up inside that clouded my presence in the moment. I will expand on this point more later. I am still slightly confused about the distinction between mirroring and offering accurate reflective comments, so I suspect I might be conflating these skills. Overall, the ten skills are seemingly ranked with increasing complexity, so my expectation was that 1-5 wouldbe easier than 6-10. Still, I am happy to have employed the foundational elements of active listening consistently.
My success using other skills was far less reliable, and so I discovered my weaknesses in the more complex aspects of the task. In Martin’s (2015) book Counseling and Therapy Skills, he rates the “core conditions” of empathic therapy on levels from 1-5. The therapist is non-therapeutic for the lowest levels. At level three, responses are at least minimally facilitative, and five is the most therapeutic. The key to residing in the upper levels is to not miss the message or diminish the client’s experience. I assumed the first two levels would be easy to avoid, and this assumption rang true in my dyad with D2. However, I offered a number of responses in my sessions with D1 that seemed lower than level three. One of the sessions included a notable instance where I truly failed to actively listen. This was a tough moment for me. My confidence was shattered, and it took time and self-reflection to understand what happened in that short but profound moment.
In the session, D1 described his negative self-talk using metaphor. He explained how one part of him was useful in ways but was detrimental too. He desired to have a balanced dialogue in himself, and not to not feel at odds with this part of himself. I tried to paraphrase (Skill 8) and summarize (Skill 9) by offering an extension of the original metaphor. This was non-facilitative as it had extended his metaphor beyond what he meant, and he communicated the discrepancy to me. Upon him pointing out my error, my anxiety increased, which translated to the rest of my responses in an unintentionally self-preserving way. I began making reflective comments on content (Skill 6) and process (Skill 7) that were loaded with positive value judgments, trying to make up for my misstep. In an effort to empathize and reflect, I told him he was on the right track. One quote that stands out as an anxious blabber of inappropriate reassurance was me saying, “I think what you’re saying is true, the self-awareness is the right option in this scenario.” This was far beyond reflection. It was a product of my own nervousness. I tried to fix the miscommunication with positive affirmations rather than simple active listening. I also noticed that as I tried to clarify (Skill 10) his message, I simultaneously defended and restated what I said before instead of letting it go and moving on. This moment may have been an instance of insufficient mirroring as well. D1 knew my responses were not in line with the exercise at this point, and his willingness to continue talking diminished. He clammed up. I later realized that I was too tied up in self-preservation to be fully present and let the conversation flow onward. This was a jarring moment of rupture in our dynamic, creating an impasse. The session ended early at D1’s request.
After what I perceived as a total failure on my part, D1 and I discussed what had gone awry. I took his feedback to heart initially in a self-deprecating way. Though I saw the value in his willingness to point out where I faltered, my own confidence issues abounded. Processing this with my cohort group, my husband, and in my talking session with D2, I nurtured my inner critic and uncovered the deep value of the session. Marion Woodman’s The Pregnant Virgin (1985) beautifully illustrates how a large part of transformation is recognizing whether the creative process is being allowed to unfold or if we, as actors, “are obstructing it with a ‘good performance’.” This resonates profoundly. In not offering D1 active listening, I revealed my patterns of behavior and self-talk that hinder a present process. My natural inclinations were completely inaccessible due to fear, self-judgment, and self-doubt. I ultimately uncovered a significant opportunity for growth in my role as an active listener. This was an invaluable insight.
My sessions as an active listener were profound. I was shocked at the difficulty at times with D1, but D2 offered me only positive feedback. This helped to reestablish balance in self-perceptions of competency and areas to improve. In the end, I concluded that my future dyad partners will be from outside of the program. My anxiety stems mostly from my classmates being aware of every skill I am supposed to be using or avoiding, so I struggle to act in an unnecessary dual-role of active listener and competent peer. I look forward to trying again, next time with individuals who are not my classmates. Continuing to practice active listening knowing myself a little more is an exciting and nerve-wracking task ahead. I am eager and optimistic to try again.
References
Martin, D. G. (2015). Counseling and Therapy Skills. [MBS Direct]. Retrieved from https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/#/books/9781478631620.
Woodman, M. (1995). The Pregnant Virgin: A process of psychological transformtion. 7-14. Retrieved from https://elearning.my.pacifica.edu/d2l/le/content/63157.