books i’ve recently read not yet added to website:

dark nights of the soul – thomas moore
witness to the fire: creativity and the veil of addiction – linda leonard
the hero with a thousand faces – joseph campbell
amor and psyche – erich neumann

there are many considerations but we plod ahead 
upward
in the direction of a peak

 

mountains are earth, so am i. and the summit is far beyond the point

 

it’s late january, 2022. i’m up in the middle of the night because i chose to visit the old rodeo for a show once again. it’s been nostalgic, unsettled, giddy, wandering, solemn, seeking something beyond itself as usual. but it’s a piece of me and i always do feel the need to document something when i visit

 

i feel so unsure of myself these days. it is as though my inability to feel a coherent sense of self is the only quality i can confidently claim anymore. alongside over-reliance on intellect to the detriment of my physical being

 

there are signficiant plans for this year on the calendar already. still, ezra furman’s solo somerville kick-off concert was postponed til June this week so i’m feeling pretty sad and empty about that. i needed that contact with purpose. it’s been rough

 

seeing people from my past and zoom-bound present in less than 6 months at weddings or in-person for school feels so daunting and dread-ridden to me. i can’t even imagine confronting it all. i am unsure of my ability to show up for these looming commitments. i am a turtle

 

 

i wrote some ideas down the other night for a thesis on the transformative risk of creation: 

 

The individual is alone in an empty world, now more than ever before. Avoiding confrontation with the deeply penetrating paradoxes of human life is common practice in modern society. We are addicted to everything, and thus we are on a linear trajectory to annihilation; this is evidenced by our desiccation of mother earth. But nature shows us time and time again that death and decay are necessary in order to fertilize the soil beneath us for new growth. Creation is anything but linear, and is thus the anecdote to our soul-less time. A continual death and rebirth can take place in the individual who is willing to dwell in the liminal tensions of opposites and risk the ego-dissolution inherent in facing the unknown.

 

This thesis is an attempt to bridge the destructive, self-annihilating addictive patterns to an end that is not so dire. I am specifically concerned with the idea that not all those gripped by addictive tendencies need to “hit bottom” in order to locate and hone the innate potential for individuation. The nature of addiction I am concerned with is the pervasive and ever-growing fog of low-level disengagement from life which typifies modern existence in an empty culture starved for deeper meaning. Although the principles I am discussing could doubtlessly apply to more severe substance abuse issues, those are not my focal point. Rather, I am interested in the compulsive and innate tendency for filling the void with superficial distractions and temporary comforts such as those on our smartphones and other vices. Amidst the literal endless stream of content we consume on a daily basis, there is a palpable ennui and directionless wandering I have observed in the collective disposition of the western world. 

Symptoms of Emptiness

 

I believe most western people are addicted. We are taught to grasp each step of the way, striving to possess that which cannot be held. Education is devoid of knowledge, facts are memorized and forgotten with no rhyme or reason, and grades are obtained and indicate our worth in the world. The honorable achievements of modern youth indicate fitting into boxes of narrow expectations for academic, and later professional, success. Toys are made of plastic, children are increasingly raised by electronic devices while their parents work overtime to keep food on the table. Food, of course, which is likewise devoid of soul and the origins of which are ever more mysterious and unnatural. Consumption and participation in a mechanistic economy are prioritized over connection and understanding of our fellow humans, animals, and other living beings.

 

The wolf attitude which demands more and more and more during the day, howls I want, I want, I want at night. Society’s values based on the work ethic and perfectionist standards, ambitions and goals uphold the wolf attitude in the professional jungle, but society can do nothing to feed the lonely wolf at night. (p. 13, Woodman, Addiction to Perfection)

Aloneness is a crucial component in compulsive syndromes, as it is a crucial component in modern society. Real compulsives carry out their rituals alone. (p.. 26)

 

Unsurprisingly, mental health issues abound. To address these, diagnoses are only further categorical distinctions which somehow further mystify and distance humans from their lived experience. Pharmaceutical companies and short, symptom-focused treatments are the only insurance-supported “cures” for a sick population. Everything feels increasingly hollow when it is boiled down to such reductive, empty words for wellness. There is no room for that which cannot be causally linked and quantified; subjective experience is unacknowledged and swept aside.

 

Confusion and uncertainty amidst our feelings of powerlessness are to be expected in such a world. The persistent illusion of our insignificance only exacerbates a hopeless air of nihilism amidst the continually broadcasted bad news spanning the globe. We are privy to all of the information we could ever need or want in the palm of our hands. Thus, we are bound to be in a constant state of paralysis and overwhelm as we grapple with far more than our brains can reasonably sort through.

The Illusion of Insignificance

 

Science would have us believe we are but a point on a bell curve, a data speck, “just” one of billions of humans on earth. We are here, we are gone, and the world goes on without us. 

 

Narcissism seems to pervade social media existence. And yet, the more we look at our own faces and stroke our own personas, the more insignificant we feel. Do our opinions matter? Do our votes get counted? And why do we have to vote for the lesser of two evils, anyway? This world is built on faulty premises, and humans are but one particle of dust in a vast system of existence. The world is broken, perhaps too broken to fix.

 

Frantic life styles, drug abuse, perversions, and delinquency all serve as desperate measures to hold on to some self-organization and avoid sliding into the fragmented state. (Wolf, Treating the Self p. 43)

That Which Inspires

 

1. 1. 1. 66. All the works of man have their origin in creative fantasy. (Modern Man in  Search of a Soul)

 

Still, inner seeds of potential reach out despite all of the aforementioned limits to our present awareness of the full, vivid spectrum of human experience. Hearing a song which elicits nostalgia, identifying with a fictional character, seeing art we wish to emulate, envisioning our future with the courage to dream like a child… Imagination is a doorway to our innate tendency toward wholeness. The courage to dream is a precious commodity; we should encourage it in our children whenever possible.

 

Jung called the innate tendency to move toward one’s wholeness the process of individuation. We get hints at this process daily, if only we tune in to the rumblings of our inner world.

 

 “A hidden dream can be embarrassing, and the only thing that is sacred until the end.” – Conor Oberst

Being Humbled

 

1. 1. 1. 26. Energy that is not allowed to transform toward creativity too often finds a destructive outlet. ( Marion Woodman – Leaving my Father’s House)

 

Illusions of control are inherent in western man’s approach to life. However, renunciation of the egoic agenda in the service of a larger cause is the common thread in all individual narratives of emulation. God is dead, and so be it, but then what remains beyond our mechanistic existence in fleshy, temporal bodies in space? Where does the sacred live?

 

We are not separate from our environment. We are not separate from our fellow creatures, and we are certainly not separate from the earth though we seem to act on that premise. 

 

Attachments and addictions are a doorway to being made aware of our vast limitations as well as our small moments of power as individuals. My contention is that one does not need to hit an unfathomable bottom in order to allow addictions and earthly attachments to humble them and inform their growth. Each behavioral compulsion which grips us and persuades us to remain trapped is an opportunity to learn about ourselves, and thus about humanity as a whole. 

 

Our bodies inform us of the lies we tell ourselves, in ways we cannot ignore. And our symptoms become unbearable when we cannot go on blind to our inevitable fate.

 

Compassion for the plight of the human in this environmental unrest is a reasonable place to land, especially amidst the unforgiving nature of the harsh existence we endure. Forgiveness is a gift, therefore, which functions as a breath of fresh air for ourselves and others. We are all imperfect people, continually missing the mark, yet still trudging along and existing rather poetically nonetheless.

 

One only needs to smile at a stranger  to see how interconnected humanity is. The spark of life in a budding seed contains the same tendency toward growth as the newborn baby searching for warmth from a caregiver. The small interchanges between a child and her dog are indicative of all ongoing relationships between self and other. Energy is common. Its mysterious source is attributed different names, but the ineffable laughs at labels. Feelings of the familiar linger, still, pointing the way back to the center of it all.

The Risk

 

“Both creativity and recovery require sacrifice and surrender. They require a readiness to die for the birth of the new creative being–whether it is an artwork or the new person one can be.” (Leonard, 1989, p. 226)

 

Each person’s call is unique, and each narrative arc is inextricably linked to the transformation of the world at large. For those who have tuned in enough to acknowledge that a task has been set before them, it seems imperative to rise to the occasion in order to grow. Thankfully, our souls are persistent in their will even if we are not yet ready to do so.

 

No matter what we are here to accomplish, there is always a risk involved in creation. The vision we contain will never materialize to the ideal conception of our hopes and dreams, and we are continually confronted with the limits of our humanness at each step of the creative pursuit.

 

We cannot let our looming worries of falling short win over the knowledge of our efforts being worthy of time and space to unwind the tight knots of our potential. Whatever it is that shall be born through our willingness to engage with the paradox of life should be honored and delivered to the world to the best of our ability. Perfection is non-existent; there is only a continual striving for a greater experience of the multiplicity of being. 

 

There will always exist the tendency to swing from one pole to the other, oscillating in extremes rather than settling into a stiller dwelling toward the center of the chaos. Such movement is constant and unavoidable, so some degree of inner stillness must be cultivated in order to orient ourselves in the dark and ever-shifting abyss of creation. Space allows for spontaneity. Creation does not have to be anything other than a daily arrival in one’s own skin, for whatever task arises. Creation can be simply existence itself; it need not be a project outside oneself. No pursuit is mundane if its source is pure. The balance of life requires all types of creative risk-taking to maintain equilibrium.

 

Ideally, we will strive to do our best with what we have. Without resentment, denial, escapism and avoidance, all we have is our truth. Perhaps expressions of truth are an antidote to emptiness. Perhaps attempts to weave creative meaning are a step on the path toward connection and uninhibited life. Perhaps all we can do is take the risk, and see what happens when we do. 

1. 1. 1. 906. But if you have nothing at all to create, then perhaps you create yourself. (Jung, Psychology and Religion)